Was yours a Downton or Soap orientated Christmas?

So here we are again on the wrong side of Christmas, overly full (well I am) and still digesting the remnants of the Christmas dinner and leftovers, the selection boxes, the chocolates, the mince pies, the sweets and the Yule time logs. 

I have once again rediscovered why there is no need to watch soaps throughout the year. The Christmas specials and Boxing Day extravaganzas, alongside a multitude of annoying questions  that I wonder why I’m asking them as I ask them to the family members that watch the soaps religiously throughout the year mean, I am currently all up to date after just three or four episodes.

This year it seems that the soaps decided that the general depression and humdrums that they plumb for over the festive season was insufficient, and both Coronation Street and Eastenders went for fires to really ruin their characters Christmases and their hopes apparently – although, both in my opinion missed a trick with neither having been caused by an overcooked turkey or a human exploding from one too many sprouts! I personally would have found my Christmas dramatically improved if Pat’s departure from Eastenders had seen Bianca run into the Vic and cry; “Ricky! Pat’s exploded and there is now a fire at number ten!” But I suppose a psychopath with arson tendencies was just as exciting if not lacking in comedy value – oh wait, that’s right I was watching a soap and it wasn’t Acorn Antiques. 

Aside anyway from the Dales, Corrie and the East End – I do know that there are more soaps but my family simply doesn’t watch them, there was the Christmas special of Downton Abbey. Please someone, give Julian Fellowes a Knighthood. It you are fan and haven’t yet seen it, firstly what have you been doing over Christmas and secondly don’t read on as there are spoilers!

Bates sentenced to death but then at the last minute given a reprieve, Lady Sybil absent but by the end her fans were able to breathe a sigh of relief as it was made clear that she would be welcomed back into the fold (perhaps for a third series), Lord Grantham’s dog lost but then found – granted that was not the most exciting part of the two hour special, the truth about Pomook and Lady Mary’s one night stand came out and Matthew and Mary finally got engaged – yay! It was a bumper episode which was packed with entertainment and tied up many of the loose ends from Series Two.

Yet, I have to take a minute to give a great hooray to the one and only Dame Maggie Smith. I appreciate that she does not write her own lines, and I bow my hat to the writers, but her delivery is superb. If I had to give one reason to anyone who did not watch the Downton Abbey Christmas Special or has not watched the series, it would be her performance. Her droll delivery of her lines and her command of the small screen is currently I do not believe comparable to anyone else on television. I do not know why the servants fear Lord Grantham, I would fear Lady Grantham. I also don’t know why Thomas was so eager to dance with her, he may be a “bad ‘un” but he’s no match for Dame Maggie Smith!

I’ve just been reliably informed that all the turkey leftovers are now finished. After three solid days of nothing but turkey all I am left with to say, and very much in the words of Lady Grantham aka Dame Maggie Smith is; “Do you promise?”

Don’t tell the Bride – it’s my guiltiest of guilty pleasures!

BBC Three has found an absolute cracker of a programme with Don’t tell the Bride, and I have to admit (guilty) that it’s the best reality programme on TV. The concept for anyone who hasn’t seen it is that the groom is given £12,000 and three weeks to organise a wedding for his bride to be.

During this time he, or she – there has been a lesbian wedding, is not allowed any contact with his or her bride to be. The budget also has to cover not only the wedding and reception, but also the stag and hen do’s, the bride and bridesmaids dresses, the clothes for the groom and any groomsmen, flowers, favours, decorations, and also any cars and travel requirements that will be needed.

Now while this concept could sound dull, or perhaps a little documentary-esque, it is not. The programme is in fact hilarious, although I’m often not sure that the participants wanted their wedding to be seen as a comedy when they applied for the show! Yet it is and not least because whilst the groom is making all of his arrangements for the big day, his bride to be is also asked to choose what she wants and is expecting to be organised on “the biggest day of her life”.

This is the best part. The bride nearly always wants the exact opposite of what the groom has chosen and this is made amusing by the comedic timing of the voice over as she points this out. The groom also usually dismisses a variety of wedding dresses, including one that is the exact shape, style and shade of the one that his future bride adores, has her heart set on, and is filmed twirling around in.

For forty minutes, the wedding day looks set to be a disaster with the groom seemingly making all of the wrong choices. I also (I know I shouldn’t) quite like it when the budget is used up before everything has been bought. It always seems though that there is just enough money left to pay for the stag do, but the hens rarely fair as well!

About three quarters of the way through the programme there is always a big reveal. This is usually the dress, which is shown to the bride to be on the day before the wedding (a little harsh especially when she hates it!) Yet there was one, extraordinarily brilliant, episode where the big reveal was actually the fact that the wedding was in Las Vegas.

The groom in this episode had only invited a handful of people for budgetary reasons. He had even cut his own sister – harsh! Whilst he had invited his future sister-in-law – she was a bridesmaid and maybe the only reason for her invite, his future brother-in-law was not so lucky! It was highly controversial and amazing entertainment (again I know I shouldn’t revel in other people’s TV misery, but if they will go on reality TV!) The sister-in-law refused to go, and so did the bride – initially.

Most episodes as I say centre on the dress, and for a few minutes it is car absolute crash TV – you want to look away but you just can’t help watching. The bride cries, her family and friends cry, but it is not always in a good way. Occasionally she hates the dress or worse it doesn’t fit – oops!

The final segment of the programme is the actual wedding and the bride nearly always loves the day, well most parts of it. Who can forget the poor Thorpe Park bride or the Vegas bride?

As much as I watch this programme for its entertainment and comedy value, I do have to take my hat off to all the couples that have gone on it. To the brides I salute you, I would never trust a man to organise a cinema trip much less to plan an entire wedding. To the grooms I congratulate you. In most cases you hit the nail right on the head and plan a perfect day for the loves of your life. To BBC Three I thank you, Don’t tell the Bride is brilliant. Make more episodes!

Masterchef: The Professionals – In second place is the food and cooking

Masterchef: The Professionals and Celebrity Masterchef are great television and I always become addicted to them both, but for different reasons. The Celebrity version of the show is always dominated – as I guess most celebrity shows are, by some element of favouritism that takes place from my sofa. I inevitably pick a favourite.

The Professionals show is therefore already in a better position. I’m less inclined to pick a favourite for no apparent reason. So it should be more about the food, but is it?

The answer is no. The main reason that I prefer the professionals show is due to the presenters. I think that Gregg Wallace, Monica Galetti and Michel Roux Jr are brilliant and very entertaining to watch. I know that Gregg also does the other Masterchef shows, but in truth I find him slightly less entertaining when paired with John Torade.

Monica’s oversight and decision making in the early rounds is value entertainment. I sit at home not having the slightest idea how to properly prepare whatever it is that she has presented to the professional chefs, and then I take some element of joy (I know I shouldn’t) in watching them panic, under-perform  and the whole time shake as Monica grimaces in the background.

Gregg exudes a passion for food and this series has started to use greggisms that have made me laugh. On Thursday he introduced; “a greggy plate” of food – brilliant! It is also great to have him taste, observe, comment and criticise next to Monica and Michel as he really does give the honest “punters” opinion. For example, I was delighted when he stood up for Perry’s desert on Monday’s show that was made of up of a variety of strawberries and cream and edible paper bag!

Michel Roux Jr is also excellent. Not only does he come across as immensely likeable – unlike many other chefs on cooking competitions, but I also get amused when he’s milling around the chef’s looking in the pots and pans, smelling things, and then asking them if they’re sure things are going to set or be ready on time. It has to be extremely off putting for the chef, but maybe that’s why he does it – yet another test for how the chef performs when under pressure.

For me, a large part of why I watch the show week in week out is to watch Monica, Gregg and Michel. If I didn’t like them, then I probably wouldn't tune in. The food alone, while clearly at a very high standard would not have the sufficient draw. Let’s face it there are a lot of other cooking programmes out there to choose from.

On a final note I don’t know if it’s just me, but if you were going to cook for Michel and Gregg would you not choose a classic main, potentially lamb that’s only just stopped breathing as you serve it to Michel Roux Jr (some of the food he has eaten on Masterchef has at times looked like it could still be moving if put back in a field), and for desert a kind of diabetic’s nightmare –  chocolate, with additional chocolate and with a side of chocolate to appease Gregg’s sweet tooth? A note of caution in the desert though, it can’t be too rich! 

Strictly – I’m Undecided!

Normally at this point in the series, I have an all out favourite that I sit on my sofa rooting for. Yet this year, this is not the case. I like all the celebrities that remain, and find watching the results show a little unsettling. I simply don’t want to see any of them go home, which I understand defeats the purpose of both the Sunday night show and the competition itself.

I love Holly Valance and I have for the past two weeks been concerned when she was in the bottom two. In her audios she comes across as relaxed and laid back and I just love that Aussie approach. She also looks absolutely amazing week in and week out. Much the same has to be said for Jason Donovan although he does, to me at least, appear more competitive than his Aussie counterpart. When he’s interviewed by Claudia Winkleman or Zoe Ball on Strictly - It takes two, who can’t help but want to root for him too? He just comes across as so likeable.

In terms of favourites based solely on dancing, then I would if pushed have to say Harry Judd and Chelsea Healey. They both give incredibly strong performances every week and in my very humble opinion, they’re likely to be the last two standing as the competition nears its conclusion. But then let’s not forget Alex Jones and Robbie Savage. Not least because of the partnerships with James and Ola Jordan respectively. Both of these pairs are brilliantly entertaining on Strictly - It takes two, on their audios and on the dance floor. I love watching them.

With the celebrities that I was not really enamoured with now out of the competition, I just can’t decide who I want to go home tomorrow or who I want to win. I sort of wish that the climax of the show was not in sight. In past series it has always seemed far easier not only to pick a firm favourite and also to take instant, and inexplicable, dislikes to other celebrities competing. Yet this year is a conundrum, although if I could use my vote to oust the presenters then I would.

I appreciate that Sir Bruce is a TV legend, but I find him and his jokes antiquated. Daly, I find is just not that entertaining. Am I the only one that thinks a pairing of Claudia Winkleman (who’s one lines and quips on the Sunday shows always make me chuckle) and Anton Du Beke (who comes across as having an excellent sense of humour) would be an instant family favourite?